I've been having some really big breakthroughs with my inner child recently around my health and fertility.
I am very much just experimenting as I go, feeling into my body and noticing the things showing up. I'm so fascinated by how our mind, body and life works. The things we can do, and the things we haven't discovered yet.
For our first weekly journal, I wanted to be really open, share what's coming up for me, and what happened when I went a bit deeper...because it was pretty profound.
Inner Child Work & My Health
One place I have felt really stuck is my fertility. Sometimes it feels never ending...
I have explored every health or physical reason for not getting pregnant. An endo diagnosis, laparoscopy, medicated cycles, IVF, immune treatment and now AIP (which is having such a profound impact on how I'm feeling and my symptoms).
But I know deep in my heart that it's possibly more than just physical. It's more than my food, inflammation or time of ovulating.
And I also write this with zero proof, because with fertility and creating life it's so much bigger than science can ever really explain? It is literal magic. The most incredible creation and there are so many factors that contribute to getting pregnant - Medicine, Lifestyle, Inner World...
Exploring a Deeper Fear of Pregnancy?
Last night I decided to visit the part of me that is afraid of being pregnant. I know she's in there from doing this type of work in my life, buried deep, deep down.
I had been chatting with an amazing friend who does this work too. After our call I felt so triggered. That heavy deep feeling in my chest, the urge to numb, the feeling of panic in my body. I know it so well and have tried to escape it for years.
But I never really connected where it came from.
We were talking about my health and fertility when the feeling came up.
I decided to sit with it and go deeper. To not run away and avoid it.
It felt so intense but I stayed and felt it. I just said - I'm here, I feel you, I have you.
I kept breathing, and breathing, and breathing.
Then I asked this part of me to show me the first time she felt this way. The root of this awful feeling.
Where it Started...
It took some time, but she brought me to her hospital room in Crumlin when she was 13, the day my consultant came in with the results of all the tests they had been doing.
I had collapsed in the airport on the way home from holiday, a fit, really active 13 year old.
He said - you have cardiomyopathy and will need medication for life.
My first question was — can I have a normal life? Can I still swim? Can I do all the activities I do?
He said no, the most you will ever do is play chess and tiddlywinks.
And in that moment, that feeling happened inside me.
This emotional storm that was so intense it took over my body. Something changed within me that day.
And that same feeling has come up throughout the years of my fertility, many, many times.
The panic, fear, feeling frozen and so overwhelmed...
Changing The Energy & The Memory
I know from this work that to heal, I needed to see if I could change the emotion attached to the situation.
I went back and forwards between the emotion and a space in my body that felt calm (my feet lol). Moving back and forward to defuse how intense the energy was and regulate my nervous system.
Once it settled a bit I played with how I could change this emotion.
I just asked her — What did you need back then to actually feel safe?
I imagined a different doctor I knew who was the kindest most calm, grounded man. Like someone who would hug you and tell you everything is going to be okay.
He came in instead of the other doctor and she asked him her questions (I was visualising this as if it really happened).
He said - you have nothing to be afraid of. All you have to do is take medication as a support, and we will keep an eye. You are safe and there is nothing to be afraid of.
She said - can I swim and do my sports?
And he said - you will get back to all of those things, now it's time to rest. This is your space to rest and we will look after you.
I felt him saying it to me.
I sat with it, with her, in that room until the experience landed.
And the feeling went away….
My whole body shifted. The undercurrent of pure fear, frozen, pain left my body.
Processing Unresolved Emotions
I understand how this works on a physiological level. When an experience is so overwhelming that we aren't able to process it, our nervous system can continue to respond to reminders of it years later, as if we're still in that moment.
Part of us feels stuck in time.
She never got to process it.
All I wanted to do was give her the biggest hug and tell her everything is okay.
I have no idea what comes next, I am very much surrendered at this stage, but something shifted for me yesterday.
All my love,
Robyn xx
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